The Department of Everything Is Fine sells the system itself: official forms, queues and subscriptions, for the office, for Secret Santa, and for anyone who has spent 41 minutes on hold this month.
Online services are open Monday to Friday, 9:00 to 9:05 a.m. Eastern. Please try again during office hours.
An Application for Permission to Submit an Application: twelve boxes, a preferred method of rejection, and box 12, which asks you to see box 1. A tear-off pad.
Collect a formA pad of queue tickets. Your number: infinity. Estimated wait: 26 business days. Tear one off and hand it over.
Take a ticketSomeone you know gets a real letter in the post every month, for 3, 6 or 12 months, about the nothing they have been sent. Always on time.
Subscribe someoneCall the Subscriptions Desk on (938) 777-0905, Monday to Friday, 9:00 to 9:05 a.m. Eastern. Lines are busy. You are next.
Save yourself a trip to the office.
Received one of our letters and want them to stop? This page is real and open at any hour.